The Better Person I Am Today
A couple of nights ago I woke up and reached over to your side of the bed and it was empty. I immediately wondered what you were doing. Were you in the basement watching one of "our" shows? Were you playing video games? Were you drinking? Were you smoking?
Then I remembered... You were in your bed. In your house. Across town.
And for a minute, I got sad.
Then I remembered all of the times I woke up like that - alone. And all of the mornings I spent - alone. And all of the ways in which I tried to help you. I prayed. I went to church. I reached out to the women at church. I reached out to your mother. I begged you to change. I tried to give you reasons to change - if not for me, for us, or for your son.
Then I remembered all of the things you said and did after I left. All of the ways you tried to hurt me. All of the ways you succeeded at making me feel like a bad person even though I spent years of my life making you feel good about yourself. Didn't I? Didn't I help you to be at peace with who you were? Didn't we lay in bed crying about how the pain you suffered in your past was what brought you to us? Didn't we create a life together focusing not on our faults, but on our futures?
I wanted more than anything to be your wife forever. I tried hard. I was fully committed. I changed my name. I blended my family. I made sacrifices. I gave all I had to make it work as long as it did.
And when I look back, I see so many fights that ended in breakups - so much heartbreak. So many times when you told me to leave - just leave. I still question why I didn't leave one of those many times. All I can figure is that I didn't leave because I was still filled with hope - hope that I felt and thought you felt too. And you always said that you did eventually. How many times do you think we had the same conversations? Once a month? That would be 40 times since our marriage. I feel like it was more than that.
I feel like I spent a majority of our marriage convincing you that we were happy. And by doing that, I was also convincing myself. I wanted so badly for it to work. I wanted it more than anything. I told myself that we were a good team. We seemed, from the outside looking in, to really have it together. We were successful and we enjoyed life.
How less messy it would have been if I'd have left any one of those many other times. Would you have begged me back? Would you have been my friend? Would we have reconciled? So many questions that will never be answered.
Because I did the unforgivable. The comfort you couldn't provide me was found in someone else. His Christian strength and loving friendship was exactly what I wanted from you. It's not fair that you couldn't give it to me - and that you didn't expect that I'd still look for it. Like not only did I not really need it, but that I was unworthy of receiving it.
Through all of this I realize that the truth is - you made me the better person I am today by making me step up to the plate trying to make you a better person.
I DID work hard. I cleaned up a lot of messes. Emotional messes. Yours. The kids. My own. You made me stronger than I ever realized I could be. You made me reach out to God and the bible, which I do daily now. I still sin. A lot. But I'm a Christian - and you made me that. That is the greatest gift I could have ever received. Thank you.
In 5 years you loved me and hurt me more than any other person has. And that has taught me a lot about who I am and who I want to be.
Happy anniversary. 5 years ago today I made that phone call that would change my life forever. I will never be the same.
Then I remembered... You were in your bed. In your house. Across town.
And for a minute, I got sad.
Then I remembered all of the times I woke up like that - alone. And all of the mornings I spent - alone. And all of the ways in which I tried to help you. I prayed. I went to church. I reached out to the women at church. I reached out to your mother. I begged you to change. I tried to give you reasons to change - if not for me, for us, or for your son.
Then I remembered all of the things you said and did after I left. All of the ways you tried to hurt me. All of the ways you succeeded at making me feel like a bad person even though I spent years of my life making you feel good about yourself. Didn't I? Didn't I help you to be at peace with who you were? Didn't we lay in bed crying about how the pain you suffered in your past was what brought you to us? Didn't we create a life together focusing not on our faults, but on our futures?
I wanted more than anything to be your wife forever. I tried hard. I was fully committed. I changed my name. I blended my family. I made sacrifices. I gave all I had to make it work as long as it did.
And when I look back, I see so many fights that ended in breakups - so much heartbreak. So many times when you told me to leave - just leave. I still question why I didn't leave one of those many times. All I can figure is that I didn't leave because I was still filled with hope - hope that I felt and thought you felt too. And you always said that you did eventually. How many times do you think we had the same conversations? Once a month? That would be 40 times since our marriage. I feel like it was more than that.
I feel like I spent a majority of our marriage convincing you that we were happy. And by doing that, I was also convincing myself. I wanted so badly for it to work. I wanted it more than anything. I told myself that we were a good team. We seemed, from the outside looking in, to really have it together. We were successful and we enjoyed life.
How less messy it would have been if I'd have left any one of those many other times. Would you have begged me back? Would you have been my friend? Would we have reconciled? So many questions that will never be answered.
Because I did the unforgivable. The comfort you couldn't provide me was found in someone else. His Christian strength and loving friendship was exactly what I wanted from you. It's not fair that you couldn't give it to me - and that you didn't expect that I'd still look for it. Like not only did I not really need it, but that I was unworthy of receiving it.
Through all of this I realize that the truth is - you made me the better person I am today by making me step up to the plate trying to make you a better person.
I DID work hard. I cleaned up a lot of messes. Emotional messes. Yours. The kids. My own. You made me stronger than I ever realized I could be. You made me reach out to God and the bible, which I do daily now. I still sin. A lot. But I'm a Christian - and you made me that. That is the greatest gift I could have ever received. Thank you.
In 5 years you loved me and hurt me more than any other person has. And that has taught me a lot about who I am and who I want to be.
Happy anniversary. 5 years ago today I made that phone call that would change my life forever. I will never be the same.
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