So Many Goodbyes

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I'm so tired of goodbyes. Sad, pathetic, and apologetic goodbyes. I've had my fill over the past few weeks.

There were hopeful goodbyes to my coworkers after I left MDA.
There were joyful goodbyes to my son as I dropped him off at school.
And there were the silent goodbyes to the family and friends I lost with my separation.

But the worst are the repetitive goodbyes. The ones that keep coming back over and over and over again. They make it hard to move forward. They make everything raw again.

I drove home today taking the north roads and really just trying to enjoy the drive. Forgetting the goodbyes and focusing on the clouds, the sky, the mountains, and the pastures. But instead I was drawn to my dreams. So many dreams I envisioned as I drove these roads to and from work for so many months. Some dreams will be realized and some of them have been wiped from my future. (Goodbye dreams.) Just like that. I guess that is expected when the person you thought you'd spend your life with is no longer a part of your life. Your life dreams and goals change.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm depressed. I get the impression that that is what people think.

I saw my doctor earlier this week and I'm sure he was leaning towards that as I told him about all of the recent changes and my "self proclaimed midlife crisis." He kept asking if I was okay and what my plans were, like I'd say, "Oh, I'm planning on having a nervous breakdown," and he could prescribe me some pills to prevent it from happening. But I joked and told him about how I saw it all as an opportunity.

The first time I went out with my girlfriend, she said, "Whoa! You're supposed to be coming in looking sad and lonely." Well, she's a new friend who doesn't know me so well yet. So I forgive her naivety. She'll get to know me better soon.

I'm definitely not depressed. I have definitely had some good days and some bad days. But I see my life for what it is.

I do not sit around thinking, "Whoa is me. My children are growing and moving away, I'm unemployed, and I'm separated." I prefer to think, "My son is excelling in college, I am looking for a new and exciting career, and I am free to find myself after all these years."

So, if I start to sound like I'm wallowing, I'm sorry. I do feel good most of the time. I have plenty for which to be thankful.

So goodbye sadness. Goodbye grief. It's time to move forward.

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