Lost in the Fire

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Looking back on it now, I feel like I was watching from the outside - standing in my own front yard as I watched my home burn and crumble to the ground. I just let it all happen. And instead of rushing in to salvage all of the things I once treasured, I tossed in some kindling to fuel the already scorching flames.

Inside were pieces of me - my love, my family, my friends, my heart, my past, and my future - all of my dreams and desires. Everything I worked so hard for - and it was work. There were so many nights filled with tears and screaming.  There were even more humble mornings filled with prayer and hugs.

But there was also laughter - lots of laughter - music, cooking together, dancing, and plans for a life together.

And now there is nothing - just a big black scorch mark on my heart where my love once burned. It's like a dark shadow in the middle of the park that is surrounded by all of the bright sunshine - because I have so much light in my heart surrounding this stain. I still have hope.

I have to know that the scar will heal. The light will spread and the heavy weight of this broken life will be lifted so that I can shine brightly again. There is still joy in me that seeks adventure and love. And somewhere in there I will find the peace that I need to quiet the screaming inside my head.

My dreams still exist and my future is still in front of me. I will no longer stand, lamely, watching as it all burns around me. I will stomp out the smoking embers and move forward. I will rebuild my home again. I will gather each piece of soot with my hands and shape it until it becomes a castle as if I were on the beach playing in the sand.

And I will fill it once again with all of the dreams, love, and joy that I once had and so desperately want again. All of those things are still inside me waiting for me to give them away again. Not to put on a shelf, but to give away as a gift that will be used daily in my new home. The stain on my heart will become clean. The shadow will lift. The soot will fertilize the new growth.

Good will come from this pain.


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