Alone and Agreeable
I'm feeling really at peace right now . I'm not sure why because it's been a pretty rough day (could be the glass of scotch). But I've also had a lot of friends reach out with love and encouragement - so that might have something to do with it. (I also looked in my bank account and it appears I'm actually going to be able to make my rent payment next week - and that's pretty awesome!)
Or maybe it's because I hit rock bottom today. Finally. (Like crying-in-the-shower-begging-God-to-show-me-my-purpose-kind-of-rock-bottom).
They say you need to be at your worst before you can actually start to change. And, the truth is, I've been ignoring so many things recently (things like - reality). I've been living in this little "make believe/put it on credit/it will all work out/don't worry about the consequences" world. And by doing so, I've made some pretty dumb decisions.
And now, it has occurred to me that I have not actually given myself the opportunity to be alone. Well, alone and agreeable with it. Since my separation, I've spent more time trying to be comfortable with my current living situation (or figure out what my situation is) that I've not actually embraced the opportunity to figure out what it is I actually want to do with this opportunity.
Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? Isn't that the #1 perk of being single? You get to make your own choices without consulting someone else? (I'm totally getting another tattoo ASAP!)
To be fair, I have spent a lot of time redeveloping relationships with my family that I've neglected for the past 5 years. One of the things I regret the most is putting my family second to his. The thing is about family - they're all messed up (yep - yours too!). Some are just messed up different than others.
The worst thing I could have done is turn my back on my family or try to replace them with another one (because seriously - I did exactly that). And now what do I have to show for it? (A bunch of empty frames, that's what!)
Real family sticks with you. Even when you're not at your best. And I was so convinced that his family was better than mine (because that's what he told me). But guess what? MY family is still right here - loving me, embracing me, encouraging me, and supporting me. And his family - the people I spent every single holiday with over the last 5 years? Yeah, they were the first to dismiss me.
I've also spent a lot of time writing. That is something that I love to do, but never made time for before. There is no one to blame for that but myself, but the point is - I'm doing it. I've got nothing but time and I'm really trying to use it wisely. Writing - here on this blog and in my journal - has really helped me to realize some things and own up to my own shit. So, it's not a waste of time at all. At least I'm being honest and transparent about my mistakes. And the way I see it, by doing that and by putting it out there (to the public and my family and friends), I now have the responsibility to make my mistakes right, or to change my ways. At least that's something, right?
So now, the goal is to take all of the stuff that I've been doing - writing, reading, sketching, redeveloping old relationships, and sorting out my own demons - and DO something with it. I know that there are still some long term goals that have not changed, but I need to make some short term goals.
What is it that I want out of life? (Besides the ability to pay my bills and get another tattoo)
What do I want to do every day when I wake up? (Besides run and eat and drink and write and get another tattoo)
What kind of person do I want to be for my children to look up to? (Hmmmm... sarcasm escapes me with this one)
So, that's it. I'm alone. I'm alone for a while and I'm okay with that. It's the first time in a long time. And it's about time - for me to figure it all out (and get another tattoo)!
Or maybe it's because I hit rock bottom today. Finally. (Like crying-in-the-shower-begging-God-to-show-me-my-purpose-kind-of-rock-bottom).
They say you need to be at your worst before you can actually start to change. And, the truth is, I've been ignoring so many things recently (things like - reality). I've been living in this little "make believe/put it on credit/it will all work out/don't worry about the consequences" world. And by doing so, I've made some pretty dumb decisions.
And now, it has occurred to me that I have not actually given myself the opportunity to be alone. Well, alone and agreeable with it. Since my separation, I've spent more time trying to be comfortable with my current living situation (or figure out what my situation is) that I've not actually embraced the opportunity to figure out what it is I actually want to do with this opportunity.
Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? Isn't that the #1 perk of being single? You get to make your own choices without consulting someone else? (I'm totally getting another tattoo ASAP!)
To be fair, I have spent a lot of time redeveloping relationships with my family that I've neglected for the past 5 years. One of the things I regret the most is putting my family second to his. The thing is about family - they're all messed up (yep - yours too!). Some are just messed up different than others.
The worst thing I could have done is turn my back on my family or try to replace them with another one (because seriously - I did exactly that). And now what do I have to show for it? (A bunch of empty frames, that's what!)
Real family sticks with you. Even when you're not at your best. And I was so convinced that his family was better than mine (because that's what he told me). But guess what? MY family is still right here - loving me, embracing me, encouraging me, and supporting me. And his family - the people I spent every single holiday with over the last 5 years? Yeah, they were the first to dismiss me.
I've also spent a lot of time writing. That is something that I love to do, but never made time for before. There is no one to blame for that but myself, but the point is - I'm doing it. I've got nothing but time and I'm really trying to use it wisely. Writing - here on this blog and in my journal - has really helped me to realize some things and own up to my own shit. So, it's not a waste of time at all. At least I'm being honest and transparent about my mistakes. And the way I see it, by doing that and by putting it out there (to the public and my family and friends), I now have the responsibility to make my mistakes right, or to change my ways. At least that's something, right?
So now, the goal is to take all of the stuff that I've been doing - writing, reading, sketching, redeveloping old relationships, and sorting out my own demons - and DO something with it. I know that there are still some long term goals that have not changed, but I need to make some short term goals.
What is it that I want out of life? (Besides the ability to pay my bills and get another tattoo)
What do I want to do every day when I wake up? (Besides run and eat and drink and write and get another tattoo)
What kind of person do I want to be for my children to look up to? (Hmmmm... sarcasm escapes me with this one)
So, that's it. I'm alone. I'm alone for a while and I'm okay with that. It's the first time in a long time. And it's about time - for me to figure it all out (and get another tattoo)!
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