Holding On and Letting Go
Thanks to a twist of my words and some funny phrasing from a good friend (Cindy Goelling), I have a fun analogy for the day.
Holding on to shit for way too long...
This is how it started -
On my run this morning, Dixie was acting kind of funny. I knew she needed to find a spot to poop, but I was feeling really good (and fast), so I thought she could hold it. But, yeah, that didn't happen. And because I didn't give her the opportunity to go when it was convenient, I ended up holding on to a bag of poop for most of my run. (Cue Cindy's comment - Holding on to shit for way too long.)
Analogy time-
So whether it's starting a family at age 18, or getting married for a second time to someone who might not be the most compatible with me, or quitting my awesome, good paying job to become a consultant, when I've decided that I'm doing something - I do it. And sometimes, it works out for me. And sometimes, it doesn't.
My grit and determination has definitely helped me with parenting. I'm really good at surviving on less than most people need. And being a mom of 3 kids under the age of 4 (when I was only 22 and broke) was pretty much like the zombie apocalypse - I had very few resources and I was surrounded by creatures who were sucking the life out of me (some more literally than others - Ceci would still be nursing if I didn't get pregnant with Eve).
On my run this morning, Dixie was acting kind of funny. I knew she needed to find a spot to poop, but I was feeling really good (and fast), so I thought she could hold it. But, yeah, that didn't happen. And because I didn't give her the opportunity to go when it was convenient, I ended up holding on to a bag of poop for most of my run. (Cue Cindy's comment - Holding on to shit for way too long.)
Analogy time-
My morning runs say a lot about me. I like routine. I like to run the same routes over and over again. It is nice to know what to expect next. I like knowing how fast I ran it last time and push harder to do better this time.
William used to call me rigid and regimented but those seemed like harsh words (I like to think of myself as focused and driven). Either way, I admit that when I have something in my head, there isn't much that anyone can do to change my mind.
William used to call me rigid and regimented but those seemed like harsh words (I like to think of myself as focused and driven). Either way, I admit that when I have something in my head, there isn't much that anyone can do to change my mind.
So whether it's starting a family at age 18, or getting married for a second time to someone who might not be the most compatible with me, or quitting my awesome, good paying job to become a consultant, when I've decided that I'm doing something - I do it. And sometimes, it works out for me. And sometimes, it doesn't.
My grit and determination has definitely helped me with parenting. I'm really good at surviving on less than most people need. And being a mom of 3 kids under the age of 4 (when I was only 22 and broke) was pretty much like the zombie apocalypse - I had very few resources and I was surrounded by creatures who were sucking the life out of me (some more literally than others - Ceci would still be nursing if I didn't get pregnant with Eve).
So, when I decided to get married for the second time, it wasn't a decision I took lightly. I had been married before (they really shouldn't let 18 year olds make lifelong decisions) and I'd been in a long term relationship (okay, maybe they shouldn't let 28 year olds make lifelong decisions either). So, when I met William, I was cautious. Or at least I tried to be.
There were red flags about his past - but he was honest about them. And he was surrounded by people who seemed genuine. They loved him and they all liked me with him. So, it all seemed possible. We could get married, support each other emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically, and we could live happily ever after.
That was what I put in my head - and that is what I decided to do.
So, when things got rough (like, literally 1 month into our marriage), I focused on the goal. And when things got harder later that year when my brother moved in, I forged through.
I never intended for us to break up. I never intended to allow that to happen. Because that was always HIS go-to, he tried to push me away. But I held on.
I realize now, that you can only hold on to someone forever if they are holding back. Can you imagine trying to hold on to someone dangling from a cliff and they are just laying there, limp? No grip.
Like, 'Seriously - get a grip, man! This is your LIFE here. This is OUR life here. Take hold. Don't let go. I can't do this by myself! You're heavy and you're hanging here off this cliff, and I'm the only one trying to save you. So take hold - accept the hand that is in front of you and don't let it go!' (These are supposed to be my inner thoughts - I hope you read them that way.)
So, eventually, he fell (we fell). Because one person is just not strong enough to hold it all together. I tried. And I held on for a very, VERY long time. But I lost my grip. And I probably should have let go a long time before that. But that's not me. That's not who I am.
I like to hold on to that shit for WAY too long. Is that a strength? Or is that a weakness? I don't know the answer to that. But that is what I'm working on today. Letting go. Letting go and letting God take control.
I'd like to leave you all with a couple of verses to consider. Both of these are very applicable to me today. I am trying my best to let go. I am also trying to boast my weaknesses so that I can find His strength and be at peace. I hope that my words continue to speak to others who may be struggling. And I pray that His words help you to find the comfort you may be seeking.
Matthew 19:26
But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
That was what I put in my head - and that is what I decided to do.
So, when things got rough (like, literally 1 month into our marriage), I focused on the goal. And when things got harder later that year when my brother moved in, I forged through.
I never intended for us to break up. I never intended to allow that to happen. Because that was always HIS go-to, he tried to push me away. But I held on.
I realize now, that you can only hold on to someone forever if they are holding back. Can you imagine trying to hold on to someone dangling from a cliff and they are just laying there, limp? No grip.
Like, 'Seriously - get a grip, man! This is your LIFE here. This is OUR life here. Take hold. Don't let go. I can't do this by myself! You're heavy and you're hanging here off this cliff, and I'm the only one trying to save you. So take hold - accept the hand that is in front of you and don't let it go!' (These are supposed to be my inner thoughts - I hope you read them that way.)
So, eventually, he fell (we fell). Because one person is just not strong enough to hold it all together. I tried. And I held on for a very, VERY long time. But I lost my grip. And I probably should have let go a long time before that. But that's not me. That's not who I am.
I like to hold on to that shit for WAY too long. Is that a strength? Or is that a weakness? I don't know the answer to that. But that is what I'm working on today. Letting go. Letting go and letting God take control.
I'd like to leave you all with a couple of verses to consider. Both of these are very applicable to me today. I am trying my best to let go. I am also trying to boast my weaknesses so that I can find His strength and be at peace. I hope that my words continue to speak to others who may be struggling. And I pray that His words help you to find the comfort you may be seeking.
Matthew 19:26
But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
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