Being at Peace with the Quiet
At first, I barely slept at all. The idea of being in a bed by myself was sad and when I closed my eyes my mind went to bad places. I admit now to drinking a lot in those first weeks just to quiet my brain so that I could sleep. The problem with that was that I'd wake up shortly after (I never did sleep well after drinking too much), and my brain would be jumping from one thought to the other - 'How did I get here? Did I make the right decision? Why can't I just be happy? Why do so many people have to hurt because of me? Will I be alone forever? Do I even deserve to be loved? Will they forgive me? Will God forgive me? Do I forgive them? I want to forgive them. But I don't. Why can't I? Will I ever feel better?'
I sleep much better now. I actually sleep quite well. I guess there are some questions that I've stopped asking. And time has helped me to accept things I have no control over.
I stay up later than I ever did before. The dog keeps the empty spot warm. Sometimes I wake up and feel her warmth only to remember seconds later that it's Dixie and I say a prayer for peace and comfort and I fall back to sleep. I also sleep in later. Gone are the days that I wake at 4 am and lay in bed waiting for the sun to start to rise so that I can go for a run. I can't even remember the last time I ran. (That needs to be rectified.) Some days my alarm actually wakes me at 7 and I struggle to get out of bed to wake the girls for school.
In the beginning, I embraced the lack of responsibility. Long, quiet days with nothing to do. Well, I always kept busy. If you know me, you know that I woke with a list of things to accomplish (clean house, do laundry, go to the pool, gym, run, grocery shop, search for jobs, etc). Now, my days start with a short dog walk and then I'm at my dining room table on my laptop. I spend an hour or so applying for jobs, then get straight to my consulting work (currently designing websites or book editing), before I leave for 4 hours at the restaurant. My evenings are filled with softball carpools and after school meetings. And yes, an occasional drink with a friend.
I've forgotten what it was like to come home and make dinner and sit around the table with my large family. This week, since softball has cut back, I've cooked twice and the girls and I sit and talk. But it's different. Cooking is an obligation, not a desire. And sitting around the table is quiet and uneventful. Then the evenings drag on and I find that having a drink is lonely.
I feel closer to the girls now. We coexist very well. I spend nights straightening hair and mornings braiding it. We have a good routine. Sometimes we go out to the mall or the movies or just dinner. We are all very alike in the way that we like quiet in the car and music in the house. Ceci has completed her Grey's Anatomy marathon. We barely turn on the television. We all know our duties in the house and whose turn it is to walk Dixie. It's comfortable. It's easy. But it's slow.
Mornings have always been my favorite. They still are. There is excitement in the morning - things to do and look forward to. I am working on accepting the slow quietness of the long winter evenings. I turned on the television last night and watched several dimwitted sitcoms. That was the first time I've done that in years. I probably won't do it again for a while. I thought about writing last night. Or sketching. But I didn't. That's pretty much why I'm forcing myself to do it now. I'm also going to force myself to go for a run today (like as soon as I hit publish).
I need to get out of my rut. I need to find optimism in the fact that things change everyday. Three months ago I couldn't sleep at night. And three months from now, it will be even better than it is today. Each day I have to accept where I am and decide how I'm going to move forward.
My favorite holiday is coming up. Logan is coming home from college. I've had several good job interviews that have potential. And all of the rest will fall into place when it is time. Patience is something I've always struggled with. And it is that lack of patience and fear of not acquiring what I think I want that has led to so many bad decisions. I need to trust that it will all work out the way it is meant to and I have little control over any of it. I need to have faith that there is a plan and while I give up my complaints to God, I need to stop trying to force my will on the situation and let Him do His will.
These are the things I'm working on today.
From the Inspired word of Habakkuk, the comforter -
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no heard in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places.
I sleep much better now. I actually sleep quite well. I guess there are some questions that I've stopped asking. And time has helped me to accept things I have no control over.
I stay up later than I ever did before. The dog keeps the empty spot warm. Sometimes I wake up and feel her warmth only to remember seconds later that it's Dixie and I say a prayer for peace and comfort and I fall back to sleep. I also sleep in later. Gone are the days that I wake at 4 am and lay in bed waiting for the sun to start to rise so that I can go for a run. I can't even remember the last time I ran. (That needs to be rectified.) Some days my alarm actually wakes me at 7 and I struggle to get out of bed to wake the girls for school.
In the beginning, I embraced the lack of responsibility. Long, quiet days with nothing to do. Well, I always kept busy. If you know me, you know that I woke with a list of things to accomplish (clean house, do laundry, go to the pool, gym, run, grocery shop, search for jobs, etc). Now, my days start with a short dog walk and then I'm at my dining room table on my laptop. I spend an hour or so applying for jobs, then get straight to my consulting work (currently designing websites or book editing), before I leave for 4 hours at the restaurant. My evenings are filled with softball carpools and after school meetings. And yes, an occasional drink with a friend.
I've forgotten what it was like to come home and make dinner and sit around the table with my large family. This week, since softball has cut back, I've cooked twice and the girls and I sit and talk. But it's different. Cooking is an obligation, not a desire. And sitting around the table is quiet and uneventful. Then the evenings drag on and I find that having a drink is lonely.
I feel closer to the girls now. We coexist very well. I spend nights straightening hair and mornings braiding it. We have a good routine. Sometimes we go out to the mall or the movies or just dinner. We are all very alike in the way that we like quiet in the car and music in the house. Ceci has completed her Grey's Anatomy marathon. We barely turn on the television. We all know our duties in the house and whose turn it is to walk Dixie. It's comfortable. It's easy. But it's slow.
Mornings have always been my favorite. They still are. There is excitement in the morning - things to do and look forward to. I am working on accepting the slow quietness of the long winter evenings. I turned on the television last night and watched several dimwitted sitcoms. That was the first time I've done that in years. I probably won't do it again for a while. I thought about writing last night. Or sketching. But I didn't. That's pretty much why I'm forcing myself to do it now. I'm also going to force myself to go for a run today (like as soon as I hit publish).
I need to get out of my rut. I need to find optimism in the fact that things change everyday. Three months ago I couldn't sleep at night. And three months from now, it will be even better than it is today. Each day I have to accept where I am and decide how I'm going to move forward.
My favorite holiday is coming up. Logan is coming home from college. I've had several good job interviews that have potential. And all of the rest will fall into place when it is time. Patience is something I've always struggled with. And it is that lack of patience and fear of not acquiring what I think I want that has led to so many bad decisions. I need to trust that it will all work out the way it is meant to and I have little control over any of it. I need to have faith that there is a plan and while I give up my complaints to God, I need to stop trying to force my will on the situation and let Him do His will.
These are the things I'm working on today.
From the Inspired word of Habakkuk, the comforter -
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no heard in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places.
Comments
Post a Comment