Broken Hearted Runner

Adventure gear When I was moving back to Ashburn to start my new life, the very first box I packed was the one I filled titled "Do Not Open - Memories." In it I put all of the things that I was trying to forget - all of my notebooks, my sketches, your poems, the framed photos of us on our many adventures (San Diego, Savannah, Greenville, Orlando, Dolly Sods), and even the jewelry (my necklace, the bracelet from St. Thomas, the leather shackle bracelet you made me, and the green petrified wood beads I loved so much). I also archived all of the pictures in my phone and removed all of the apps that we would use to communicate. I put it all away with intentions of not having to suffer through the constant memories of us. I knew that moving back up here would be difficult. And I knew I had those challenges to face - avoiding the places we would go together. Avoiding having to look for you here. I had been doing really good, for the most part. No, that's a lie. I still...

You've seen a lot by watching me live my life and make my mistakes. I'm hoping that you've learned as much as I have, if not more. I know it's been difficult to be one of my children. As I've told you before, I've personally cartographed the map to the "hard way to do everything in life." I've driven those roads and found the dead ends. I've had to reroute more than most humans. And because you are an appendage of mine, you have done it with me. This time was hard. And I know you know it's true. You've seen me love a few men in your lives. And you've seen me get hurt by those men who really did love me. You've seen the daily struggles of living with a man with addiction. You've been a part of a dysfunctional relationship that was based on comfort. You might even remember the hardships we suffered while I was married to your father. And probably, you can look at all of those times and understand why it didn't work out...

Originally written April 28, 2016, Edited March 2017 Nobody will ever know the truth. The facts as they happened. It's sad, really - to know that there are versions of my life that are out there, being thrown around. As if anyone could actually know the whole story. As if someone could look at my Facebook page and know who I am, or what I am like, or why I have made the decisions I have made. I will say this - when I announced my separation, most everyone was surprised. Because, I didn't highlight the things about my life that were difficult. Who does? And this isn't just the age of Facebook. Think about it - in the old days - when you would take pictures, print them out, and put them in a photo album, you didn't take pictures of the fights. You didn't have photos of the broken glass or the broken hearts. If you sat down in someone's living room and opened up their family album and you saw pictures of crying and screaming people on vacation, you'd thin...

Everyday I receive the Verse of the Day from my bible app. One of the first things I do after I open my eyes and turn off my alarm is go to that indicator and check for the verse that would guide my heart today. And then later in the day, usually after I have walked the dog and made my coffee, I sit in the comfort of my spot on the couch and I read the entire chapter that surrounds the excerpt that was sent to my phone in the wee hours of the morning. I am forever amazed how every single time I learn something (even if I've read the chapter twenty times before). Everyday I learn something new when I read the bible. I see something I hadn't noticed before, or somehow, life has opened my eyes to something different, and the words feel more applicable than ever. A few weeks ago, the Verse of the Day was 1 Corinthians 13:4-5. It is a well known verse read at many weddings. Even a non bible reader can probably quote it. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast...

I wish that I was more like you. I wish I didn't remember every single detail of our life together. I wish I could erase the memories that wake me up at night. Or wipe out the dreams that keep me from falling to sleep. I think it's your self defense mechanism (your super power). I think you've always used it to help you to get through your miserable life. You just forget. You just wake up and go through the day without the memories of the pain and disappointment you suffered through yesterday. I also believe that it is the numbness that you described when I met you. You hadn't allowed yourself to remember the pain and that way you didn't have to feel it - or anything for that matter. But when we met - when you say you woke up - the memories came back and you were flooded with emotions. You were angry. You were ecstatic. You were all over the board with your feelings. Every day was different and exciting. And it made you write again. And paint. Ironica...