Choose Your Own Adventure... Yeah... Right...

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I've never actually read one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books from my childhood, but as I sit here contemplating my future options, based on my past decisions, I wonder about them and I wish I had.

I wonder... how many endings are there? Does it really only come down to two endings, and all of the choices lead to one of those endings? If so, does it really matter what decisions I make throughout the entirety of the book?

In reality, how equivalent are these books to real life? Do my day-to-day life decisions really matter if the outcome of those decisions are the same? Do I really only have two fates ahead of me?

If so, how do I make those everyday decisions matter? I mean, if God gave me free will, and I only have one of two outcomes (heaven or hell), how does each decision get me closer and closer to the outcome I want?

As is the norm over the past 6 months, once again, I find myself at a crossroads.

It feels like my life is nothing BUT crossroads. Everyday I wake up to another decision; another gut-wrenching choice.

And unfortunately, I'm the type of person who remembers every decision I've ever made, so I regularly re-evaluate each verdict for its success rate (or lack there of). I'm constantly criticizing my own judgments and assuming failure.

My first marriage = Failure
During those 12 years (and the years following) WE created three beautiful people who have each proven to make an impact on the world = Success

My second attempt at a long term relationship = Failure
For the first time in my life I realized there were possibilities beyond my visible options - ask and ye shall receive = Success

My second marriage = Failure
Realizing that love is a two way street and promises only mean something when they are kept, I learned a lot about myself and I found my faith = Success

Every day and each decision over the past 6 months - bleh... what have I to show for it? $25,000 worth of debt and sad, sad reality of loneliness = Failure
A renewed spirit of capability and a reminder of the responsibility I have to those who depend on me as well as a reminder of my original dreams and the possibility of actually acquiring them = Success

I've had a rough go at it, but I believe that the past 6 months has been training for what is yet to come. I have loved and I have lost; I have dreamt and I have broken down; I have been strong and I have been weak; I have relied on myself and I have given it up go God.

I have made many decisions and I'm not yet sure of which ones have been successful and which have been detrimental - I won't know that for a while, I'm sure - but what I do know is that every day brings me closer to whatever is to come - even if it only leads to a new intersection and I have to be prepared (yet again) to make a decision - Left or right? Forward or backward?

Thank God I have the ability to seek wisdom and many people to rely on. My support system is the smallest and strongest it's ever been - makes sense, right?



Left foot... right foot... Always moving forward.


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