Choices Without Regret

Here's the thing about choices - Each decision is really a matter of weighing priorities and selecting something to let go. Because it wouldn't be a difficult choice if I didn't have to make a sacrifice, right? I wouldn't be spending all of this time contemplating my options if I could have it all, would I? No, making these kinds of life decisions all comes down to, what is the right thing to do? Not just for me, but for everyone involved. I can only have one of the two, not both... so which am I willing to sacrifice? And which path ultimately leads to the desired destination? 

The truth is, given my current options, I think I could reach the goal either way. 

If I stay on my current path, I have to climb over many hurdles carrying this heavy pack. There are trees in my way, a couple of muddy trenches to traverse, I'll get lost (like I already have so many times), and it will take all of my strength, while still having to depend on others to get me over the really big obstacles. But I know what to expect. And nothing has to change. 

If I take the other path, however, I will have to travel uphill for a long time, still carrying the heavy pack. It has a very steep uphill, but it's steady and without hurdles. I already have the strength to do it on my own because that's what the last 6 months have been training me for. And when I get to the top of the incline, I will be able to reach back to help others and to pay back all of the people who helped me to get this far.

When I put it that way, it seems so easy. So, why does it feel so hard? 

The truth is, in the beautiful words of Dorianne Laux, I've already "traveled this far on the back of every mistake." My life has been a series of choices and I have no idea if I've made any of the right ones. What I do know is that I am here and I got here on the back of every one of those decisions. Right or wrong, they are what got me to where I am today. So, as I take these next steps, I will remember that I have no regrets. Not one. 

Antilamentation

by Dorianne Laux

Regret nothing. Not the cruel novels you read
to the end just to find out who killed the cook, not
the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication, not
the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punch line, the door or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the ones
that crimped your toes, don't regret those.

Not the nights you called god names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the living room couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.

You were meant to inhale those smoky nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with its loose buttons, its pockets full of struck matches.

You've walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing,
when the lights from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.

You've traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the window.
Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied of expectation.

Relax. Don't bother remembering any of it. Let's stop here,
under the lit sign on the corner, and watch all the people walk by.