Bohemian Rhapsody
I once bought a shower curtain because the man I was in love with told me that he thought it looked like me.
It was a beautiful bohemian print - brightly colored orange and teal and royal blue and yellow and pink. It had more colors than I thought could possibly be put in one design. It resembled a paisley - no - a peacock. It was abstract. And it was happy.
I wanted to look the way that this shower curtain made me feel. I wanted to be that beautiful. I couldn't understand what it was about the design that he thought looked like me. I would have never looked at it and thought that it belonged to me or had a place in my house. But I wanted to be as beautiful as that shower curtain. And even more than that, I wanted to be the person that he saw when he looked at me - the person that resembled this curtain.
I still own that shower curtain. Every morning I look at it and I think of the day I bought it. I think of the look on his face when he told me that I was as beautiful and as colorful and as fun and as happy as that shower curtain.
And every day I am thankful.
I am thankful that he saw color in me in a time when I didn't see anything in myself except grey.
I am thankful that he saw happiness in me in a time when I didn't feel worthy or deserving of such feelings.
I find comfort in the memory of his words - when he told me I was like "a hurricane that people so easily and willfully get swept into."
No one had ever spoken such beautiful and poetic words about me before. No one had ever made me want to be more than what I already believed I was.
And somehow, over time, those colors and patterns and words all just became... me.
As I sit here typing, I realize that I am wearing a pair of leggings that my best friend gave me this past Christmas. They have the same color scheme as my shower curtain - orange and teal and royal blue, with a splash of pink and yellow. They are abstract and fluid. They are happy.
She said that when she saw them she immediately thought of me and had to buy them for me.
And when I wear them I feel happy, comfortable, soft, and free. When I look at them and I try to see what it is that these people see in me, I smile.
I smile because for the first time in my life I feel the color on the inside that people say they see on the outside. I feel joy in my daily life. I am happy to wake up in the morning and to go to sleep at night. I enjoy working and playing and I am grateful for each moment.
I know that there are so many things that have happened in my life over the years to get me to this place of peace and joy, but I can't help but to think that it all started with a shower curtain - a vibrant and colorful bohemian shower curtain - and the words of a person who loved me and saw in me something I hadn't yet found in myself.
And as I lay here on items I selected and purchased on my own - grey sheets, grey pillows, white and grey duvet cover, surrounded by grey walls - I know that tomorrow I will wake up and walk into my bathroom to be reminded that someone once saw in me something exotic, elaborate, and vivid - well before I felt it in myself. I am aware of the brilliant and lively colors that make up this life.
And I am grateful and accepting that they also live within me.
It was a beautiful bohemian print - brightly colored orange and teal and royal blue and yellow and pink. It had more colors than I thought could possibly be put in one design. It resembled a paisley - no - a peacock. It was abstract. And it was happy.
I wanted to look the way that this shower curtain made me feel. I wanted to be that beautiful. I couldn't understand what it was about the design that he thought looked like me. I would have never looked at it and thought that it belonged to me or had a place in my house. But I wanted to be as beautiful as that shower curtain. And even more than that, I wanted to be the person that he saw when he looked at me - the person that resembled this curtain.
I still own that shower curtain. Every morning I look at it and I think of the day I bought it. I think of the look on his face when he told me that I was as beautiful and as colorful and as fun and as happy as that shower curtain.
And every day I am thankful.
I am thankful that he saw color in me in a time when I didn't see anything in myself except grey.
I am thankful that he saw happiness in me in a time when I didn't feel worthy or deserving of such feelings.
I find comfort in the memory of his words - when he told me I was like "a hurricane that people so easily and willfully get swept into."
No one had ever spoken such beautiful and poetic words about me before. No one had ever made me want to be more than what I already believed I was.
And somehow, over time, those colors and patterns and words all just became... me.
As I sit here typing, I realize that I am wearing a pair of leggings that my best friend gave me this past Christmas. They have the same color scheme as my shower curtain - orange and teal and royal blue, with a splash of pink and yellow. They are abstract and fluid. They are happy.
She said that when she saw them she immediately thought of me and had to buy them for me.
And when I wear them I feel happy, comfortable, soft, and free. When I look at them and I try to see what it is that these people see in me, I smile.
I smile because for the first time in my life I feel the color on the inside that people say they see on the outside. I feel joy in my daily life. I am happy to wake up in the morning and to go to sleep at night. I enjoy working and playing and I am grateful for each moment.
I know that there are so many things that have happened in my life over the years to get me to this place of peace and joy, but I can't help but to think that it all started with a shower curtain - a vibrant and colorful bohemian shower curtain - and the words of a person who loved me and saw in me something I hadn't yet found in myself.
And as I lay here on items I selected and purchased on my own - grey sheets, grey pillows, white and grey duvet cover, surrounded by grey walls - I know that tomorrow I will wake up and walk into my bathroom to be reminded that someone once saw in me something exotic, elaborate, and vivid - well before I felt it in myself. I am aware of the brilliant and lively colors that make up this life.
And I am grateful and accepting that they also live within me.
Comments
Post a Comment