Moving On and Letting Go
With the exception of my years between the ages of 18 and 22 (AKA - my birthing years - when I stopped being a child and became a mother), there has never been a time in my life that has been more pivotal that the last eight months. I guess that's what mid life crisis' do for you. They flip your shit up-side-down and they give you some perspective.
Over the last eight months I've learned a lot about myself.
I've been angry. I've been alone. I've been in love. I've had my heart broken. I've been unemployed. I've been broke. I've been rejected more times than I can count. I've been humbled by having to go back to work as a waitress. I've learned how to survive through all of it and come out on the other side. I've found a new job. I've decided to move out of state.
If you've been following my blog, you've read about all of the above times. You've read about my sorrow and my fears. You've read about my acceptance and my ambitions. You've read about my anger and my forgiveness.
Well, it is time to let some of this go. I'm healing. I'm moving on...
If you're an avid reader (obsess much?) you may have noticed that I've removed some of my most popular posts. I'm not sure why these had so many views - maybe it was a coincidence. But I don't think so. The most popular posts were the most raw. They came from an angry place and they were fueled by whiskey. And no offense to you - the reader - but most people really enjoy the juicy stuff. So, in a way, I understand.
But those posts were also very bitter and sad. They were loaded with feelings that I wasn't able to fully translate or articulate vocally. It was a passive-aggressive approach at dealing with my emotions and my situation.
I don't want to be passive-aggressive.
One of the posts I removed was titled "Holding On and Letting Go". (If you didn't get a chance to read it, your loss. Maybe it will make an appearance in my future novel.) It definitely spoke to a lot of my insecurities and opened a window to my past life. It also hurt some other people because it directly spoke to their faults. And I'm no longer okay with doing that. It's time for me to "Move On and Let Go" - hence the title of this post. It's time for me to stop holding on to all of it - the resentment, the regret, the blame. It's time for me to move ahead to a new place where I have a fresh beginning.
Those posts were important to the transitional period I was experiencing. They were important then. But they are not important now.
I am in a good place. I am looking forward to all of the changes headed my way.
But I am still scared.
Yep. I said it. I know I've been using my best marketing to make everyone believe that "All is well and I'm super ready for the Awesome move!" But the truth is - I'm not. I haven't packed one box. I haven't done anything legal except find a job and a home. No school transfers or utility swaps. Nothing. Why? Because right now it all seems so overwhelming.
In the past, when I've moved I've had someone to share it with. Someone to be frustrated with or to laugh with when something doesn't go as planned. I've had someone to vent to or someone to curl up on the couch and "give up" for the day with. Not now. I have to do it all on my own. Every step. Packing, loading, driving, unpacking, enrolling, utility hook ups... all of it. And at the end of the day, when I've unpacked the last box, I have no one to open that bottle of wine with and relax next to.
See? Sad. But not the end of the world, right? It's something I've never done. And it's something I need to do.
And now that I've gotten all of that off my chest. I'm going to finish with this. Life is scary. If you're living it right, life is terrifying. But I have a secret and that is this - once you face your fears and you conquer them... they become less scary.
Fear of heights - gone.
Fear of being alone - working on it.
Fear of scorpions - F--- that! Who do you think I am? Baby steps people!
Over the last eight months I've learned a lot about myself.
I've been angry. I've been alone. I've been in love. I've had my heart broken. I've been unemployed. I've been broke. I've been rejected more times than I can count. I've been humbled by having to go back to work as a waitress. I've learned how to survive through all of it and come out on the other side. I've found a new job. I've decided to move out of state.
If you've been following my blog, you've read about all of the above times. You've read about my sorrow and my fears. You've read about my acceptance and my ambitions. You've read about my anger and my forgiveness.
Well, it is time to let some of this go. I'm healing. I'm moving on...
If you're an avid reader (obsess much?) you may have noticed that I've removed some of my most popular posts. I'm not sure why these had so many views - maybe it was a coincidence. But I don't think so. The most popular posts were the most raw. They came from an angry place and they were fueled by whiskey. And no offense to you - the reader - but most people really enjoy the juicy stuff. So, in a way, I understand.
But those posts were also very bitter and sad. They were loaded with feelings that I wasn't able to fully translate or articulate vocally. It was a passive-aggressive approach at dealing with my emotions and my situation.
I don't want to be passive-aggressive.
One of the posts I removed was titled "Holding On and Letting Go". (If you didn't get a chance to read it, your loss. Maybe it will make an appearance in my future novel.) It definitely spoke to a lot of my insecurities and opened a window to my past life. It also hurt some other people because it directly spoke to their faults. And I'm no longer okay with doing that. It's time for me to "Move On and Let Go" - hence the title of this post. It's time for me to stop holding on to all of it - the resentment, the regret, the blame. It's time for me to move ahead to a new place where I have a fresh beginning.
Those posts were important to the transitional period I was experiencing. They were important then. But they are not important now.
I am in a good place. I am looking forward to all of the changes headed my way.
But I am still scared.
Yep. I said it. I know I've been using my best marketing to make everyone believe that "All is well and I'm super ready for the Awesome move!" But the truth is - I'm not. I haven't packed one box. I haven't done anything legal except find a job and a home. No school transfers or utility swaps. Nothing. Why? Because right now it all seems so overwhelming.
In the past, when I've moved I've had someone to share it with. Someone to be frustrated with or to laugh with when something doesn't go as planned. I've had someone to vent to or someone to curl up on the couch and "give up" for the day with. Not now. I have to do it all on my own. Every step. Packing, loading, driving, unpacking, enrolling, utility hook ups... all of it. And at the end of the day, when I've unpacked the last box, I have no one to open that bottle of wine with and relax next to.
See? Sad. But not the end of the world, right? It's something I've never done. And it's something I need to do.
And now that I've gotten all of that off my chest. I'm going to finish with this. Life is scary. If you're living it right, life is terrifying. But I have a secret and that is this - once you face your fears and you conquer them... they become less scary.
Fear of heights - gone.
Fear of being alone - working on it.
Fear of scorpions - F--- that! Who do you think I am? Baby steps people!
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