For the Living

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It's been 2 years since you left us. Admittedly (and sadly) I probably think about you more now than I did when you were still here.

Two nights ago I dreamt that you were dropping the kids off after your weekend - like it was such a normal thing that you still visited us even though you weren't alive. I was so happy to see you and I tried to give you a high five (I don't know why - it seems like a hug would have been more appropriate). But regardless - we couldn't connect. My hand went through your hand and then you just faded away.

I woke up sad. Upset. Angry.

I still struggle with my emotions. Mostly, I get mad at the living. The people who don't understand the feeling of losing someone you love. And the regret of all of the time spent being angry.

I wish I could tell people how much they are going to miss the person they are so angry with. I wish I could let them feel the regret of 9 years of arguing. Over money. Over time. None of it matters now. If I could go back, I'd make a thousand different decisions.

I continue to be thankful that we resolved our issues - that we said "I love you" one last time. But mostly I'm grateful that we forgave each other. Literally - with words - and then with our actions. It is one of my best blessings to have had that time - the time to recover after years of anger and hatred.

I only wish I could help the living to see that now.

If you're reading this and you have a beef with someone - especially if this was someone you once loved - consider forgiveness. Consider kindness. Consider love. Remember the person and the relationship you once had. Remember that no matter what it is that made you angry at that person, you once loved them. And if they were no longer here, you'd miss them and you'd wish for an opportunity to talk to them.

Consider forgiveness. It is worth all of the effort.


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