My Self Proclaimed Mid Life Crisis

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Several people have inquired about my new hashtag #myselfproclaimedmidlifecrisis. I've gotten an outpouring of love from family and old friends who have reached out, and that has been wonderful. So, I feel like I should go ahead and set the record straight.

My first born moved off to college
Logan defined me for a very long time, and in so many ways. He and all of the kids really - but he was my first. Logan moving out and going to college hit me hard because it makes me realize that it's all happening so quickly. Soon enough the girls will be gone too. Like literally - 5 years.

 What does that mean for me?
Who am I without them?
I need to figure that out.

My marriage has fallen apart
My marriage has always been rough and I accepted that as part of the journey to our "ever after." However, let's go back to the questions above- What does that mean for me?  Who am I without him?

I mean, if I spent the rest of my days after the kids are gone left in this marriage (the way that it is), then I'll die with way too many regrets... and tons of resentment. The day I realized that my relationship was bipolar, it got really scary.

Is this current life of turmoil and volatility what I have to expect for the REST of my life?

I couldn't just sit back and do nothing. So I left.

I'm unemployed
Yes, I am unemployed by choice. I quit my job back in the spring with intentions of starting my own consulting firm. But now, as a single parent, I need to be able to provide health insurance and such, so, I am doing what every other unemployed person does... I'm waiting.

It's a weird place to be. I wonder, though, if it was part of the catalyst that got me here. If I'd have stayed at MDA would so many of my decisions over the past 5 weeks have been different? Probably.

Sometimes when you face one fear it causes you to have to deal with so many others that you were completely unaware of. Comfort is not our friend.  

I live in a town where I have no friends
Deciding to stay in Ashburn was difficult. It would have made more sense to go back to St. Mary's where I could be taken care of by my family and friends. IF I wanted that. But I don't.  

I could have gone back to Gaithersburg to where I (and the girls) had friends and stability. If I wanted that. But I didn't.

The truth is, I wanted to shake it up. I wanted to start fresh on my own, but I didn't want to run away from anything, or run to anything for help. I wanted to face my fears- here. Loneliness, guilt, self discovery. I can do it anywhere, so why  not here? This is where we are now, so let's ride it out.

Plus- I've lost so many people (friends and people I considered family) through all of this. So many people that I thought knew me, and loved and accepted me and my faults anyway. If they and their feelings are so fickle, others may be too. I cannot make my choices based off of comfort of family and friends, because comfort is so quickly taken away. I have to find me and be comfortable with that. That will never leave.

I've lost the chance at love
Love and love lost.

Isn't that the end of every road anyway? I can't believe that. But it is the part of the path that really makes each fork in the road matter, isn't it?

The fear of not having love - that fear guides us. So what if we can walk our paths and can still be loved, no matter which paths we choose? I know that Jesus loves me that way. I also know that I can't expect that from any human, so maybe I shouldn't expect it at all.

Maybe I just keep walking, making the best choices I can each time I come to a fork in the road.

And maybe I ask forgiveness when I choose the wrong one, but I should always keep walking- walking down the path and knowing that I deserve love.

And maybe love will find me - where I am - and I won't have to fear losing it, because it won't be a choice. 

Love shouldn't be a fork in the road. It should be the person who is willing to walk the path with me. And maybe sometimes we take different forks... but we always end up together at the destination, both of us- me (flawed, imperfect me) and love.

See? Mid Life Crisis. Right? 


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