Broken Hearted Runner

After leaving a client event on Saturday night, I found myself driving my Camry through a muddy parking lot with an older male coworker and 2 clients, trying to escape the madness. (I was the sober driver who offered them a ride back to their hotel.) For the sake of humor, we shall call this time, "The Drunken Redneck Mass Exodus,"  and if you've ever left a Nascar race, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I won't describe the entire episode, but let's just say that I, very respectfully and politely, asked someone to roll down her window and communicate with me about allowing me to pull in front of her (the zipper effect, if I may). It didn't end as well as you'd think and I was honestly thanking God for child safety locks, because after being flipped off and berated for being a "stupid, [bleeping, female dog]," my older, male "papa bear" coworker was not very happy. He simply couldn't believe that someone would ...

I've always thought that Happy Hour was a negative thing. I used to describe it as "the time you spend after work erasing all of the negativity you feel about your job so that you can manage through another day tomorrow." A band-aid; not a cure. I still think there is a little truth in that. But the reality is that work does suck sometimes. Life sucks sometimes. And Happy Hour is exactly that - Happy. I like feeling happy and if taking an hour at the end of the day to enjoy the company of others who are suffering through the same BS helps, then that's not so bad, is it? Happy. For an hour. If that's what it takes. Then I think it's worth it. Sure, it's a bit of a trick. We go to the bar and we sit and have a drink with our friends and laugh. We discuss all of the things that make us upset and we joke about how things would be better if WE were running things. Sometimes we don't talk about work at all - just really enjoy the time and laugh. An...

I wish I could fast forward. 1 year. I wonder what will be different... and what will be the same. I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to create a new life, with new habits and new people. I'm trying to build new relationships and to move forward instead of looking back and wishing. I'm trying to make good, healthy, Christian decisions. Sometimes I fail. But I wonder, when I look back on this time, will I have regrets? Or will I appreciate it, like I have with all of the other negative or troublesome times in my life? Will I ever be able to accept the things I've said and done? They all brought me here. They all taught me something. They all helped me to grow. Self reflection is painful. Even more so when I know I've made mistakes that have hurt others. But self reflection is still important and necessary. I am not perfect and I have a lot of things on which to reflect. I mean, I could be one of those people who just says, "F it. I made a ...

After I had been on a few dates with husband #2, and it was evident that we might actually both be considering "something more," he provided me with a recent psychiatric evaluation. As you can imagine, getting a doctor approved mental health evaluation of your potential new life partner was like, solid gold! (For his sake, I feel I must tell you that the reason he even had access to said evaluation was because he had recently gone through a divorce and custody hearing - he's not a psycho who has regular evals done.) So, anyway, I was lucky. I was about to embark on a relationship journey and I had access to some wonderful information that would help me to decide whether or not it was even worth the "next date." Because I admit, during that time in my life I was using all sorts of other stalking techniques to weed out the goodies from the baddies. I was living in Maryland at the time and so I used  Maryland Judiciary Case Search  to weed out the weirdos w...

Dear Vance Joy, I would really appreciate it if you would stop writing songs about my life. I'm aware that I've given you, Adele, and everyone else in the music industry some good material. But seriously? It's become nearly impossible for me to turn on my own Pandora station without having to be reminded of the stories my life while I listen to you sing them with such sad and sorrowful words. I tried to switch to a Coldplay station, an X Ambassadors station, a Wye Oak station... same thing. Then I switched to a totally unrelated "Indy Dance Radio" station. This is when I started realizing that there was some kind of conspiracy happening. Have you all been sitting around, drinking coffee and watching me? Do you guys consult on the phone after reading my blog? Do you have access to my phone records and photos? My calendar? What is going on? But I feel guilty and pathetic about what you know and I feel like I should explain myself for a bit. So here goes - ...

I've always kept a journal. I've always had secrets - silent desires and invisible dreams. I've always felt like an impostor or a fake.  I've always tried to be what was expected of me. But not anymore. Not since you.    I was me with you. All of me. Me without fear.  Maybe that had little or nothing to do with you.  Maybe it's just where I was at that time in my life. Maybe I had decided to just be all of me because of what I'd been through.  All of the unhappiness. All of the unmet expectations.  If I had been myself from the beginning with others, maybe things would have veered off sooner.  Or maybe my expectations would have been better understood.   I felt completely comfortable in your presence and I didn't feel like I had to hide anything from you. And that was special. But I realize now why that was so special. It's because for the first time, I was not putting on a facade.   I don't want to pretend any...

I have a new routine, in a new home, in a new town, with a new job... but somehow, you're still everywhere. I try not to let myself think about you and I actually don't dwell on us as much as I used to... but you're still there - in the back of my mind - waiting to be remembered. A word. A song. A joke. A smell. A memory. Silly that I thought I could forget you. Silly that I thought I could run away from the feelings in my heart and the thoughts in my own head. It's not fair that you've never even seen my new home, but there are pieces of you still here. Hiding in the dark shadows, your ghostly memories haunt me in the most unexpected of places. Standing boldly in the morning sunlight, your souvenirs stare me down and call my name. I tell myself that tomorrow will be better. I keep trudging through the clutter of memories that fill my mind waiting for my new setting to take over and fill the empty corners. But, ever so suddenly, when I least expect i...